I want to reveal what tears me up inside, but I am crippled by horror. I want to pour out my heart, but all my attempts seem doomed to fail. Every time I take a step in that direction, icy, brisk, bitter winds slap my face. I am buffeted by the scourge of my convulsive feelings, which are impervious to the meanings of peace and tranquility, the two states of mind I am so desperate to find myself in.
Here I am, looking for you once again.
I love to write while you are by my side. True to your nature, in spite of being seemingly calm seconds ago, you suddenly fly into a rage. You distance yourself from me; however, don’t dawdle before returning to me anew. Your soft voice has the power to calm my spirit and dispel my worries when I feel edgy and turn to you. Time has elapsed and destiny has ripped my dreams to shreds, dressed me to become its puppet, and left me sapped of energy and life, unable to stand the strain. Every time we run into each other, you take me to a new place, a different world we own where we can live with nothing to fear. A world where we have cherished hope. I have missed you so much! You have been the only one capable of comforting me. The numen inside of you draws me close to you, as if it were hoping to allay my suffering with its embrace.
Here I am today to apologize to you for all I have forsaken and forgotten in the past.
I am hereby begging you to save me a place in your depths, for I cannot find serenity if I am not with you. I have already made up my mind and won’t regret my choice; that much I promise. I am willing to leave everything behind me—including this pencil I now hold to express myself—and stride toward you so that you will take me wherever you want us to be together. It will be only a matter of seconds before my frail soul departs for the sky. You will get to keep my body. Who knows? It may even nourish some fish. It may provide to others what it could not find in itself in order to stay alive, to make it through the cold, dark, sleepless nights. How I yearned at the time for their hugs to keep me warm, for their words to comfort me and make me feel at ease! Yet they shunned me, forsook me, and forgot me.
Now it is my turn.
I am the one leaving, spurning their invitation to continue among them. I will dive in waters far from their reach where I’ll finally be able to shake off my painful and abiding memories of them. I will sail over to a place lying far off the shore where their cruelty resides. I won’t let them fool me with their hollow promises any longer—not ever again. This time it’ll be me weighing anchor with my sights set on an extrasolar port.
Here I stand before you, the big blue ocean, the one and only, as you sing to me with your welcoming lullaby. Without hesitation, I walk toward you. This time I won’t break my promise to you. I will stay in your snug abyss forever. Take my body and free it from my weak soul.
Take my body and free it from my weak soul.
Written by Asma Mansoor Al-Menhali.